I know you’ve been having a tough time out there babe. If it makes you feel any better, I’ve been going through it in here too. Stress involved with early release, but also new mechanisms to deal with that stress that keep me from the ‘dark side’. Being ‘good’ adds significant new dimensions to tolerance levels. I don’t showcase my struggles—I just get more and more stoic as time drifts on. The things I hold fast to don’t mean anything to anyone but me… and its disturbing. I wish I could talk to you face-to-face more.
You get down sometimes? Wear my shoes….About to get out after 15 years on maximum security yards to an environment that is so alien to you that it borders on the nightmarish side of surreal. But wait. Hold all that inside and put your best foot forward at all times. Be calm, reserved, and pleasant. Show no cracks—parade no faults. Be understanding. That’s my world in this aggressively abstract archaic reality I walk through every second of every long damn day in here. Where is my peace?
War is life. Fight is harmony…against that grain. They say ‘it takes a brave man to have hope in this day and age’-Amen to that! Something is wrong with me. My mind churns against everything in my own life. It’s relentless. The seeds of this suffering were sown long ago. So yeah, a lot going on over here too. You’re confused and freaked out? Ditto.
I’m acutely aware of how bad my life got fucked up by my own stupidity—my own hand offending myself. I’ve angered my own sword arm and moved against myself. Now I’m in salvage mode. Are my talents strong enough to exploit to my benefit? Tattooing and music production/creativity? If not, how can I exploit my capacity for physical labor in my late 30s?
I’m so impatient with others stupidity. It’s a conspiracy of ineptitude! The only reprieve I am able to enjoy is our bond. The understanding we have for each other. I am forever grateful for the light you shine on my darkest days.